


Wings of Wax and Feathers

by lelevex



Series: On the Island of Crete [1]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: (not in too much detail don’t worry), Angst with a Happy Ending, Ash has a few issues, College AU, Friends to Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalised Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse, Pre Relationship, apart from your feelings, no one was hurt in the making of this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:28:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24218146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lelevex/pseuds/lelevex
Summary: In which Ash is a broke college student in more ways than oneOr: Ash has issues and it tears him up inside
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Series: On the Island of Crete [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1865665
Comments: 31
Kudos: 130





	1. Chapter 1

They don't get it. They never do and Ash is convinced that they never will. He doesn't get it either sometimes, but things happen and this led to that led to there led to here.

It takes him all of ten minutes to know that they belong in different worlds. They don't fit together like puzzle pieces in a dream of make believe, like Eiji isn't the one keeping him alive half the time. Because he's not. He isn't and Ash won't ever let Eiji be his sole lifeline. Lifelines don't work half the time and he doesn't want that disappointment with Eiji.

At least, that's what Ash likes to think. Deep down he knows that some part of him clings onto Eiji regardless of their differences.

He hates that, because Eiji is his Achilles heel and he can't do anything to protect him. Life is funny like that, he thinks. Maybe that's why it starts. Life takes over for a while and Ash gets pushed into the passenger seat, he acts on his feet - not really paying attention to anyone but Eiji when Eiji is there and Eiji when Eiji isn't. Ash doesn't really think in the upcoming weeks (something people are more than glad to call him out on) because existential crises were more important than his friends. He won't admit it out loud but it tears him up on the inside.

This is one of the times where he doesn't get it.

It's been like that for a while, with Eiji being busy with the pole vaulting team and he wonders when his life shifted to just Eiji. 

Eiji Eiji Eiji Eiji. Just like that. 

Maybe it's the moment when the plane landed and their red thread bloomed into life once they were within reach of each other. Maybe it was when Ash crashed and burned in all the worst ways possible but his boy was there as recoil. He was stupid when it came to those kinds of things. Stupid when it came to Eiji.

Maybe that's when it begins. Something different this time, where their red threads frays just a little. He can't bring himself to cut it off entirely (that would hurt his heart too much).

"Ash! Shorter wants to know if you're coming to dinner with us," Eiji looks over his shoulder and smiles that smile of his. Bright and brilliant and shining. They're walking and Eiji has his team jacket on, navy blue and gold glistening in the evening sun, and Ash pulls his head out of the clouds before he gets burnt again. Icarus is a lonely soul.

"Who else is coming?" He asks, peering over Eiji's shoulder to look at his phone. Eiji's hair tickles his nose as he does and he pulls away quickly before he's too far gone. It's dangerous territory now.

"Yue and Sing, I think," Eiji pauses, "just us,"

Ash mirrors him like every action he does isn't a reflection of Eiji's. He pauses, thinks, and decides. 

"I'll pass tonight," he says and Eiji's face falls a little before typing back a reply. They both know that he doesn't like Yut-Lung and he hopes it's a good enough excuse.

"You busy?" Eiji asks. Of course, it's not good enough for Eiji. He would never be good enough for Eiji.

"Got an assignment due for Chemistry next week," he says, and it's the truth, "easier to start it now,"

Eiji doesn't call him out on it, he never will and Ash knows that. Eiji is careful like that in a way that used to make Ash feel safe. Now it makes his stomach churn uncomfortably, conflicting feelings tug at his gut and he doesn't know what to do.

"Okay,"

They're back at the dorms quickly. He closes the door on Eiji before sulking into his empty room. The dark sky creeps up on him from behind and it takes him a second to realise why his room is so dark, the sun has retreated behind clouds for the rest of the day so he settles down to work on his Chemistry assignment. It takes him twenty minutes and he's lost for what to do after.

He wonders what Eiji is doing.

Thursday is usually Boys Night. Name conned by Shorter, to which everyone else had sort of grumbled and gone along with because no one would (or could) argue with Shorter. Well, besides Nadia, he supposed. Shorter was a force to be reckoned with when he wanted to be. 

They had been consistent for almost five years with Boys Night so far, a feat seemingly impossible for broke and busy college students, yet it all seemed to fall apart this week. Eiji said he had late practice with the team. Sing had to go spend time with Lao instead. Yut-Lung had a shitty errand to do for his shitty brothers. Shorter had to help out at Chang Dai. Everyone seemed to be busy, and the flurry of texts from Ash's phone caused his Physics professor to scowl at him during the lecture. He sent back a simply 'okay' as a reply before shutting off his phone. He mutes the group chat later and forgets to ever unmute it.

He focuses on the lecture for the remaining twenty minutes but his notes are sparse and so he has to borrow notes from the girl sitting next to him. She's blushing the whole time he's there copying the notes but he doesn't pay attention to her besides that because his heart was chained to someone else. Shackles and handcuffs, the whole fucking party.

"Rare to see you by yourself,"

He looks up from the book was reading, The Handmaid's Tale, to see someone he doesn't recognise. 

"Who are you?" he asks, glancing around the library as if trying to coin where this mystery person came from. It isn't successful, for as much as Ash is used to his surroundings people are much less important to him.

"That's mean," mystery man chuckles before sitting in the chair opposite to him. "We have Physics together, I sit in the row in front of you,"

"I literally have no idea who you are," Ash says. He turns back to his book but his mind has lost his place. The words stare back at him blankly and the sight doesn't sit quite right with him. As if the words are mocking for being able to say the things that he can't. The words rob him of his voice and he hates that feeling.

"Alex," the mystery man laughs and he's brought back down to Earth, "Alex King? Name ring a bell?"

Ash thinks for a second. The man's name and face were easily forgettable, as if someone forgot to customise the default design in a game of Sims. He's as ordinary as vanilla ice cream but after a second Ash has no trouble placing him. Jean jacket and lollipop, he knows who this is.

"We went to school together," he says, "Highschool Physics,"

Alex grins, sliding Ash's book out of his hands, "he remembers,"

"What do you want?" Ash asks, "I haven't seen you for six years,"

"I need help on that assignment we just got set and you (Alex does a little flourish with his hands that Ash is less than impressed with - finger guns are Shorter's thing) look like you have time on your hands," Alex moves to his side of the table, looping an arm around his shoulder. He knows what Alex means, subtext being a flavour he's well acquainted with, so he agrees in all the words he can be bothered with.

"Sure,"

"Brilliant," Alex smiles and he wonders where all that joy came from.

Eiji is waiting for him outside the library, his figure shaded by the evening sun. It illuminates his figure as he shoots Ash a small wave that makes him forget Alex is by his side. Dangerous. He snaps back to reality quickly.

"Looks like your Prince Charming is here," Alex comments, patting Ash's shoulder. 

"Fuck off," he grumbles as he shoves Alex's hand off. "I'll see you tomorrow,"

"Tomorrow?" 

"We have Physics tomorrow," he says. He doesn't look back at Alex until he's already walking in time with Eiji. They walk in sync. Left. Right. Left. Right.

"Was that Alex?" Eiji asks, tilting his head back to glance at the retreating generic outline of Alex.

"Yeah, did you know he goes here?" Ash asks back. Eiji's head is highlighted by the sun, he realises.

"No," Eiji replies. "We didn't talk much so I didn't keep in contact with him,"

The rest of the walk is silent and by the time they get back to the dorms. They fall out of sync at one point. Eiji starts with his right and Ash shifts to his left. The strings frays a bit more then, he can feel it tearing in his soul. When they get to the dorm Eiji lingers in the doorway a little longer than usual.

"Can I stay?" Eiji asks, "just for a little bit, I heard there was going to be a storm tonight,"

He knows what Eiji means. Subtext is a subtle scent but it's there nonetheless.

"I'm not seven anymore," he jokes, punching Eiji's shoulder lightly enough that a smile appears on the other's face, "storms should be scared of me instead now,"

"Are you sure?" Eiji asks, and Ash falters for a second before reeling himself in.

"Sure, and you should go rest," he says, "you had extra practice today,"

"Mmkay, see you later?" 

"See you later," he says, closing the door on Eiji again. He speaks those words on false promises and spends the storm shoving down his own simmering feelings. Shorter doesn't let him dwell on them for long though as he initiates a mini Mario Kart competition between the two of them. Ash suspects that Eiji was meddling again but he doesn't say anything to Shorter. The thunder doesn't faze him anymore and he thrashes Shorter on Rainbow Road.

He doesn't get why he says no. Why the words that shackle him roll of his tongue like honey when he lies. Why lying to Eiji is suddenly oh so easy but relief pools at the bottom of his heart and he doesn't know if he likes it or not. 

He doesn't get it.

"Feelings are shit. That's like People 101," Alex says, unwrapping a lollipop as they walk. It's cherry flavoured, Ash notices.

"How'd I miss that class," he says quietly. He knows that Alex hears him, that was the point, but he still doesn't want an answer.

"You were out of school a lot back then," Alex says, the lollipop shrinking in size as he sucks on it. The action is overtly sexual and Ash adds it onto the mental list of things he hates. "Absolute legend amongst the rest of us, said you were skipping school but your grades were still the best,"

Ash waits. That was wrong on so many levels and he wasn't prepared to face them yet. So he doesn't.

"Do you have one more?" he asks and Alex hands over a lollipop with a green wrapper. Apple. The flavour is almost too sweet for him but he ventures on anyways. Sweetness be damned.

They walk around for a while. Not really going anywhere but meandering through the streets of Manhattan to fill up space and time. Something to occupy the empty space in his heart. He hates the fact that he's almost become dependant on Eiji. He adds that to the mental list as well.

If he became dependent he would be like all those other men. Dependent on sex and money and drugs to function. He didn't want to cross that line anytime soon.

They stop in front of a bar and although he's underage Ash passes as tall enough to enter.

"You look like you could use a drink," Alex grins, a drink already in his hands. Alex drops the remainder of his lollipop in the glass, swirling it around before taking a sip. The lollipop returns to his lips once more.

"I'm underage," Ash says, voice loud enough to cause a few patrons to look at his suspiciously.

"Never seemed to stop you before," Alex slides the drink across the counter. 

Ash takes a bite out of his own lollipop, sugary shards scattering across his tongue. Apple. The bartender is on the other side of the bar so he didn't hear the little underage comment. He looks back at Alex, eyebrows raised but fuck it.

"Feelings are shit," he holds the glass up as a cheers and chugs the rest of the drink. Alcohol mixed with apple and sugar.

"Feeling are shit," Alex cheers back and orders a couple more drinks for them.

He spends the rest of the night drinking.

He feels like shit in the morning. Ash wakes up in his own bed, which was a good thing, and a killer headache, which wasn't.

"Didn't think I'd ever see you wake up by yourself," Shorter holds a cold glass of water against his forehead.

"I will kill you after I murder this fucking hangover," he grumbles. 

He takes the glass of water and drinks slowly before a gut feeling causes him to stumble to the bathroom and throw up. Shorter holds his hair back and makes a quip about him being like one of his hook ups. Ash hits him before he throws up again.

It's late afternoon when Eiji knocks on the door and Ash dips into the bathroom when he sees him. The action doesn't go unnoticed by Shorter, who turns Eiji away at the door.

"You're avoiding him," Shorter says as soon as Ash comes back out to lie on the couch.

"Am I?" he asks, "it's only been three days,"

"And usually you spend Fridays at Eiji's dorm," Shorter says. "Yue said he was waiting for you,"

He groans, "don't make me feel guilty. I spent Friday night drinking for a reason,"

"God your whiny ass is not what I want to experience first thing in the morning," Shorter says, "I'm gonna call Alex to get you out of your little moping session."

"You have his number?" he asks, covering his face with his hands as the room lights suddenly feel too bright.

"See I actually pay attention to the people we went to school with," Shorter says. Alex turns up a few minutes later, apparently because he lived off campus but close enough to their dorms.

Ash groans as Alex's initial reaction is to laugh at him sprawled out on the couch. 

"This is your fucking fault," he says, pointing a finger at Alex.

"The fact that you've got a crush on your best friend is my fault?" Alex says and Ash knows he's joking but he's hungover _and_ hung over (Eiji - always Eiji) so he just throws the nearest thing at Alex in retaliation.

"I don't have a crush on him," he says, and then quieter, "I can't,"

The two of them don't say anything and instead drag him out to do whatever they can to distract him. He knows that they heard him but his issues are deeper than the Mariana Trench at this point and the last thing he needs is his friends calling him out on a stupid crush he doesn't have.

While Alex unwraps his third lollipop just after noon and Shorter complains about the clouds blocking the sun, Ash has an epiphany. 

He had alcohol that night, so much to the point where he got black out drunk and he might be gay. He crushes the empty can of coke in his hand as he realises he's becoming like the very men who broke him.

He gets it, at the end of the day, and he really wishes he didn't.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning : slight mentions of self harm, homophobia, past sexual abuse and mentions of panic attacks
> 
> changed the tags to reflect this ^^

He suspects that the feeling has been there for a while, bubbling and simmering and just now spilling over them edges. He doesn't know what to do with it as it sits in his hands building up into something he can't control (and he hates not being in control) — so he doesn't do anything. In hindsight, it wasn't the best idea but Ash was running on a lack of sleep and a broken heart which meant his judgement was more than off. He tried to justify it but it does little to settle the feeling.

He thinks that maybe if he ignores it the feeling will go away (spoiler alert: it doesn't).

He doesn't think much of it after that. Thursday nights have fallen victim to missing Boys Night as Alex drags him out of his hole in the library to (and this was in his words) _"get out and stop being such a dramatic ass"_ which usually results in them getting kicked out for shouting. He's not ready to forgive Alex for that one, not quite yet.

Somehow he's grateful, as Boys Night means Eiji is busy and Eiji being busy means that he's not walking Ash back to the dorms after school anymore. It's a change of pace, and he doesn't know if it's welcome or not. Later, when the sun has set and the world's gone dark, he decides that it is because he can breathe when Eiji's not there.

"Boss, have a try," Alex says, handing him one of the machine's model guns. It's bulky and decorated with a green camo design, Alex's one is pink.

"Boss?" he asks, the word feels familiar on his tongue and he thinks back to when words came easy. The game is a two-player shooter and Alex takes up the other slot.

"Yeah, highschool vibes right?" Alex grins, slotting a quarter into the machine. His lollipop sits in his mouth like a cigarette.

Ash doesn't say anything as the game powers up (he chooses to ignore the fact that the word 'vibes' just came out of Alex's mouth just some stoner after one too many hits) and instead focuses on shooting zombies rather than old highschool nicknames. That was another thing he didn't get, the nickname was conned by a few guys from his grade but Ash himself had never heard the origins of it. It was strange how something that moulded his entire highschool persona didn't register with him until someone else had told him about it. He didn't cared much then and he doesn't care much now. It's true. Almost.

He wants to think he's outgrown the label now but it still fit. He thinks of it as a crown, puts Boss up on a pedestal because they are different people from different moments of time. Boss is not Ash in the same way that Ash is not Boss. Boss is everything Ash can't be. Alsan is still struggling to find his place on the podium.

"Shit!" Alex's shout was enough to ground him, and the score on the screen dictates Ash's victory. He's had practice and it shows. The best part about shooting is the muscle memory: how he can aim and hit whilst his mind meanders through less than ideal ideas. Sometimes that's the worst part.

"Round Two?" he asks, knowing Alex would be up for the challenge. 

Alex grins at him before nodding, "one step ahead of ya," he says as he fishes for another quarter inside his jean jacket pockets. The jacket is atrocious in every sorority girl sense but it is distinctly Alex™ in all the worst (or best) ways. He's sure that there are at least three more lollipops hiding in the pockets somewhere.

But he doesn't have time to think about it now as the game is starting up and he has other things on his mind. This time he focusses on shooting properly and his score is arguably higher than before. By the end of it he's reached a high score, and Alex shoots him a questioning look when he doesn't leave his name.

The sun is setting as they leave the arcade, hands full of prizes and spare tickets as they walk. A small lion rests in his hands, the last prize they had won, and one which he had chosen as an impulse decision. It suits Eiji, he thinks as Alex rants about a girl in his Classics class he's trying to pick up but isn't receiving. He hasn't thought about Eiji in a while.

"What about you?" Alex says and the questions cuts the silence as he's snapped out of his reverie.

"What about me?" he asks.

"You've got to stop spacing out on me," Alex sighs, "got any girls you're interested in? Or guys, doesn't really matter either way,"

He's almost positive that his heart stops because it _does_ matter and if he's gay then it means that he's like them. Like all the men responsible for Ash missing highschool, Ash missing Eiji, and all of the bad memories he can't seem to break out of. The lion is almost squeezed to death in his hands. Denial is a funny little thing.

"Not at the moment," he says. It's a lie, maybe, because he doesn't know what a crush should feel like. He suspects that the heart beating, fumbling over words kind of feeling isn't the same as the one he feels now. Heart beating and fumbling over words not because of love but because of fear. It's scary how the two are almost interchangeable.

"What about Eiji? Thought you were pretty into him," Alex mutters, unwrapping his second lollipop of the day.

"We're just friends," Ash says, "known him most of my life so we're just close,"

"That why you're hanging out with me and not him?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asks. He's defensive and it shows - tone snappy as he walks.

"It is what it is," Alex shrugs but his smirk means that he thinks he's figured out something that Ash hasn't. As if he hadn't been spending his whole life trying to deal with those emotions. The ones that come barrelling through without the decency for a warning.

Ash isn't allowed to feel like this and Boss isn't either.

~~Maybe Aslan might understand~~

"Don't assume shit when it comes to me," he says and the conversation ends there. It's confusing, he thinks.

They arrive at the dorms in silence, only offering a wave as a parting statement. When Ash opens the door there's cans of beer and sweet wrappers littering the floor. Shorter lies on the couch sprawled amongst controllers and wires. 

"Oi! Wake up," he kicks Shorter's shoulder after depositing his prize in his room. There's only the one, as he lets Alex use most of their tickets on sweets, and the lion sits on top of his dresser, proud as the morning sun.

Shorter lets out something that sounds less of a word and more of some alien Drunk Shorter garble before getting up, and Ash kicks him one more time for good measure.

"You're gonna have a hangover tomorrow," he says, "don't you have morning lecture?"

"I can miss it," Shorter grumbles, "where were you?"

"With Alex," he says as he helps Shorter up, "clean up,"

"You're not helping?"

"Not my mess,"

"Fuck you,"

"You'd want to,"

"I'd deck you if my head wasn't killing me right now,"

"Sure you would," Ash says as he leaves Shorter to his own demise in the common room. It reminds Ash of himself from a few weeks ago and the thought is almost laughable. The lion sits on his dresser smiles a little before Ash hides him behind a picture frame.

Friday isn't fun for Ash. It should be, it really should be, but something is off again and his usual social parameters are out of order.

It starts when he wakes up late. Just past noon which was good, he doesn't have a morning class on Fridays, but there were voices in the common room and as far as he knew all of his dorm mates should be out. He relishes the fact he's alone on Fridays so this sudden breach of privacy surprises him. He listens to the voices behind his door, getting changed because he now has to look presentable in front of whoever the fuck is in his dorm. It's stupid, he knows, but he does it anyway.

"Ash?" Shorter's head pokes around the door as he listens.

"Why are you still here?" he asks. 

"Skipped morning class, brought some of the guys over for lunch. Wanna join?" Shorter asks and he's almost inclined to say yes until he hears Eiji's laughter ring through the crowd. Of course Eiji would be here.

"Can't, made plans with some guys in my Physics lecture," he says, "some study group thing I can't get out of,"

"Next time then," Shorter says. Ash knows that Shorter knows that something is off but neither of them press the issue. He's working through something and it's leaving him more agitated and snappy than usual. When he leaves he doesn't spare a glance at Eiji because if he did then he was sure he wouldn't want to leave. Eiji doesn't call after him so he tells himself it's okay (it's really not).

He tried not to think about Eiji for the rest of the day and he almost succeeds. It gives him a chance to breathe again.

It's cloudy, by the time he gets to the library and the sun is shielded by grey soldiers of weather. His little study group wasn't a lie, and it's comprised of Alex, three girls and two other boys. The session goes well, and he remembers the names of everyone by the end of it. Alex lingers behind as they filter out of the library slowly.

"You look like you want to say something," he says once it's just the two of them. 

"It can wait," Alex replies.

They walk to a park not too far from campus as English Lit beckons for Ash at three o'clock.

"What is it then?" he asks, stealing a swing from a little kid. The kid looks hurt but decides that the sandbox is more interesting than the swings and rushes over to knock over a girl's sandcastle. Ash pays him little attention.

"Cain's actually wanted to talk to you for a while," Alex says, "so have the others but they've said you're kind of standoffish and full of yourself. Study group gave them a chance to but bless Professor Sanchez's poor old heart did they have a whole panic attack about being grouped with you."

"And your point?" he asks, rocking back and fourth on the swing. Apparently Cain went to the same highschool as them but he'd never noticed. Alex stood off to the side, watching as another girl got pushed on the other swing by her mother.

"People actually like you, and Cain wants to invite you to a little get together next week if you're down for it. Some of the other guys will be there like Bones and Kong," Alex pauses, "you remember them right?"

"Yeah," he says, for once he remembers them. "I'll go, just text me the details,"

He doesn't know why he agrees so readily but the words tumble out of his mouth before he has time to take them back.

"Thanks Boss," Alex grins and he still wonders where all that energy comes from.

Rain begins to drizzle and by the time they make it back on campus it's pouring. Something about the rain makes his Friday worse than it is already and Alex mutters a goodbye as he trudges to his English Lit class. The sun is shielded by rain as he walks away.

The class itself goes okay, but when he comes out Eiji is chatting with one of his teammates with an umbrella. He's waiting for someone, waiting with a smile on his face despite clearly having rushed over from the dorms, and something tells Ash that it's him. He doesn't look at Eiji and braves the rain alone. He doesn't have to think about it anymore.

The next few weeks go by in a blur with Thursdays being Physics days with Alex, Fridays booked with his study groups, and Sundays free to unwind with Cain and his lot. 

He finds himself present in a bar downtown on a Sunday, the past weeks fading into the distance as noise erupts from all around him. He's not legal yet, and after last month's incident he'd rather not drink, so all the booze is untouched by him but he's tall enough to pass so he's granted entrance by the staff. He lays his head down on the counter, groaning as he covers his head with his hands, body creaking with every move he made. Slap an out of order sign on his back and everything would be peachy.

It's less than peachy when he hears a familiar whine about being seen as underage again from the doorway. He doesn't have to look up to know that it's Eiji and he turns to Alex next to him to ask why.

"Why is the pole vaulting team here?" he all but whispers to Alex. His head is still lying on the counter and his slumped figure probably gives the impression that he's already drunk.

"I told you they'd be here, Cain's invited everyone he knows since Finals are just round the corner," Alex takes a sip of his Americano, "one last party before studying til we drop,"

"As if you'll study," he mocks, Alex laughs in response but he has no time to register it before there's a hand tapping his shoulder and he shoves it away because the touch _burns_. 

He has no time to breathe and think and feel and he's been on autopilot the past few weeks and suddenly there's too much noise and too many people and he can't hear anything and his skin feels hot so he stumbles into the bathroom and splashes cold water onto his face.

Breathe. Fuck. What happened? Fuck. Inhale. Exhale. The water is cold. Focus. Breathe. Inhale. Exha-

"Should I be here?" Eiji's voice cuts through his thoughts.

He's torn between yes and no, so he settles for silence instead. They haven't spoken for a while and he doesn't know what to do.

"Did I do something?" Eiji asks and his voice is quiet in a way that makes Ash want to scream no and reassure him that it was all just him and was always just him but his voice wasn't working properly anymore.

He shakes his head and points at his chest. He rests his forehead against the mirror and lets the cold glass cool his beating heart. Eiji would understand. He always did.

"Can you tell me?" 

He shakes his head. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

"Do you want me to stay?"

His inner turmoil tears him apart from the inside. Instead of answering he just clenches his fist, stuck between a rock and a hard place.

"Okay," Eiji mutters. He catches it with broken hands and a fractured heart as he calms down. They're working through familiar actions and words that ground him enough to breathe properly. 

But his mind is still running in circles and something is very not right.

"Ash," Eiji murmurs his name in a whisper as soft as the cloud in the morning. It almost makes him want to crumble in his arms right then and there but the devil on his shoulder urges him to stand still. 

_Wrong_

_Wrongwrongwrongwrongwrong_

The devil chattered in his ear like an ape. His head shouted wrong like his heart shouted Eiji. He wasn't allowed to feel like this. Ash wasn't allowed to feel like this. Boss wasn't allowed to feel like this. Aslan was-

"Ash," voice strict and harsh and grounding in all the best ways.

This time he had no choice but to look at Eiji, who held him by the shoulders with concern etched into every fibre of his being and eyes as bright as the sun in the afternoon. He fell apart at Eiji's fingertips, burnt by the touch yet revived each time like a phoenix.

"You're spiralling again," Eiji spoke, softer this time and he realised that this was their first proper conversation in months.

He reaches for his throat as if the words he needed were stuck inside the old scars. Eiji's hands slowly ease him down, bringing Ash closer to him. 

"You don't want to open the scars," Eiji whispers with his words flattened, rolled, turned into felt. Soft. Warm. Safe.

Eiji places a hand on his head, and Ash places his forehead on Eiji's shoulder with his eyes staring at the ground. It's a broken dance made of beautiful things.

"Just focus on breathing,"

He nods.

"Overwhelmed," he whispers after a moment's silence and of course Eiji hears.

"With me?" Eiji asks.

"Mmhmm," he nods. 

"Use your words baby," Eiji hums. He can feel Eiji running fingers through his hair. He focuses on the sensation while he gathers up the words to talk. 

"Bad things," he says and his mind starts to reel but then Eiji grabs his hand and gives it a tight squeeze. "Feels wrong. Bad place."

It's a mess of words and the fact that he can't get them out hurts. The way Eiji seems to understand is both endearing and annoying. 

"Thank you," Eiji whispers against the crown of his head.

He feels Eiji step back and he almost chases after the warmth. Eiji dries stray tears on Ash's face before walking him out of the bar. He can hear Alex and Cain ask if everything was okay, but the words were stuck in his throat and he can't force them out.

They make their way back to the dorms quietly and by the time they get there he's back in control.

"Hey," Eiji says when he looks around the room as if it's his first time there.

"Hey," Ash says back.

"You back with me now?" 

"Yeah, sorry about that," he apologises. It's awkward, being alone with Eiji.

"Ash I've been with you for thirteen years now, you don't have to apologise," Eiji says, he's seated on Shorter's bed, just across from Ash.

"You don't get it," he says.

"I know. Do you want to tell me know or later?" Eiji asks.

"Later. Please," he doesn't look Eiji in the eye and his heart breaks a little when he hears the door close and footsteps receding. 

It's a lie and the sun is setting behind the curtains.

It takes a week before he cracks. It's pitifully short, given how long it used to take before. It's a bad time, with Finals just over three weeks away and the incident at the bar weighing heavy on his conscience but he skips out of Friday study group and ignores Alex's texts. Instead, he leaves.

He shrugs on a jacket he left lying on his desk and tucks his phone into his pocket. He walks out, making sure to lock the door behind him as he does.

It's sunny as he takes the thirty minute walk to the apartment and the sun beats down with such ferocity that he resorts to rolling up his sleeves for some cool air. The wind washes over his skin and wraps around him as he walks. It's sunny but with a bite of cold air.

The walk helps him clear his head and with Finals coming closer equations and quotes and experiments intertwine and twist into an unrelenting torrent of stress. He can't think straight with the weight of the world pressing down on his shoulders. He feels like Atlas, only smaller and weaker and he hates it.

He doesn't call ahead - he never does - yet the door opens in a way that has Ash suspecting that they were expecting him.

Griffin's smiling on the other side.

"Ash! Come in!" Griffin says, stepping aside for him to cross into the threshold.

"Where's the old man?" he asks, taking a seat in the small kitchen as Griffin shuffled in behind him. After a second or two he gets up and starts the kettle. "Coffee?"

"No thanks," Griffin says, "Max is at the office right now,"

"And you aren't?" Ash adds the coffee granules to his favourite mug — white and decorated with all the best Macbeth quotes — and pours in the water. Griffin only had instant coffee at home.

"Something told me I needed to be home today," Griffin says. He has his back to Griffin but he can tell that his brother is worried. Voices betray people like that.

"What did Eiji say?" he asks. Removing the teaspoon he was stirring with and takes a sip of his coffee. It's completely black without a hint of sweetness.

"That he was worried. Did you two fight?" Griffin asks.

"No," he replies, finally turning around and sitting back down with his coffee in hand. "We didn't fight."

"Good. And I know my baby brother wouldn't come to see me just because he misses me," Griffin teases (he can hear a little hurt in Griffin's voice and it adds to his inner turmoil even more), "so what's happened?"

He pauses. He taps his left hand fingers on the table from pinkie to index. His right hand cradles the mug - it's covering the quote "is this a dagger which I see before me" and he knows that because he's got them all committed to memory. 

He gathers up all his words and lays them out on the table for Griffin to see.

"I think I have a crush on Eiji," he whispers, as if someone is going to take that information and use it against him. It feels like a gun to his head or a knife to his back. Maybe it's both, and he can feel the shackles of each word tightening around his wrists and ankles. They are chaining him to the very chair he's sitting on.

"Okay," Griffin says, "I don't see the problem?"

He looks up to see Griffin leaning back relaxed, but his brother's eyes are focussed solely on him. Griffin is there to help him. That's why he came back home.

The shackles tighten and his words feel like a jumbled up puzzle, with all the pieces scattered across the floor. He needs every single one yet his chains prevent him from finding them.

He tries to reason: of course Griffin doesn't get it, he's never had to deal with this before; it's difficult to understand since he himself didn't even understand it until recently; no one will get it unless you talk. _You_ have to talk. His reasoning wins out in the end.

Yet when he tries to speak he feels something clasp against his neck, and it's the same feeling as the shackles squeezing his joints. His old scars burn deep into his skin as the words get trapped in his throat, stuck in a spiders web.

But he has to speak. So he tries.

"It's-"

His hands are shaking.

"Like there isn't one?"

Why are they shaking?

"I-"

Just remember to breathe.

"There shouldn't _be_ one,"

How does he breathe again?

"It's just-"

Inhale. What were the words again? 

"Something to do with me-"

Exhale. What was he trying to say?

"I don't know," he whispers. His hands clench around the mug and the coffee calms him down. It's still hot and he can't feel the shackle around his neck anymore.

"Do you want to write this down?" Griffin says and his tone is soft and forgiving.

Ash nods, and Griffin goes to fetch him a piece of paper and a pen. He thinks he feels the shackles loosening a little and it's jarring to look down at his wrists to see nothing there. Griffin comes back a moment later and hands him the pen and paper.

He writes slowly and carefully but even his own writing stares back at him with betrayal in it's eyes. He finishes writing but as Griffin reads he thinks about the people who hurt him and if he's like _that_ then it means he's the same as them and-

Memories wrack through his mind, rampaging and running around in a frantic state of disaster. He remembers men, looming over him and looking at him like he was a bag of meat. How it hurt the first time and all the times after that. How his neck was held down and his voice restricted and his mouth claimed by people who had no right to claim it. He remembers the scars on his throat and blood on his bedsheets. Of guns in his hand and baseball uniforms and other children and-

He looks up to see Griffin kneeling next to him, coaching him through breathing exercises. He blinks slowly, noticing his eyes are slightly damp and brushes the tears away. His hair is clinging to his forehead and the empty glass on the floor tells him all he needs to know.

"You triggered yourself," Griffin says and the statement startles him, because he's used to Eiji greeting him with a "hello," whenever he comes back.

"By accident," he mumbles, eyes drifting away from Griffin and to his coffee. He drinks some more.

"Ash," Griffin says and his eyes come back, "it is not wrong to be gay. Yes those men hurt you (he stiffens a little but Griffin holds his hands to ground him) but that does not mean that being gay is bad. That does not mean you are like them. Eiji is gay isn't he? And he's not like any of them."

"Eiji is gay?" he whispers.

"Yeah," Griffin nods, "and he's not like them,"

"Oh, _oh_ ," he says as the revelation washes over him in quiet waves. It feels warm and he relaxes at the idea, trying to piece the entire picture together in his mind. It seems simple, now that he thinks about it.

Griffin leaves him for a couple minutes to work through the resolution and he cradles his mug again. He's covering the quote "smoke'd in bloody execution" this time.

The mug is lukewarm against his skin and the sun shines brightly through the kitchen window.

(Later, Griffin will tell him that Shorter and Eiji were prepared to send a search party out to look for him and it makes him cry again but for different reasons).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so a few things:
> 
> \- first off; Magnets, Spiders *and* Pick me up reached 500 hits??? Like thank you so much that made me so happy to see
> 
> \- okay so onto the chapter, the two Macbeth quotes have some symbolism since “is this a dagger which I see before me” is a reference to Macbeth’s guilt before he murders Duncan and commits treason, the worst crime to commit at the time. It’s also showing his fear and guilt as he hallucinated then dagger the same way Ash imagines the shackles. The second quote “smoke’d in bloody execution” is from the beginning of the play where blood alludes to bravery, and as it comes after Ash speaks it shows his short lived bravery after he talks. I wanted to put them in there because I’ve studied Macbeth and I love it so I figured Ash would enjoy it too.
> 
> \- I broke 3000 words and then 4000 words in this chapter which is w i l d because I used to barely write over 1000 and 2000 was a stretch :)))
> 
> \- Also I’ve been on like an angst train for fics? Emotions are shaky for me rn so everything I’m writing is reflecting that dhdhd so the second half of The Six Stages of Cooking Rice might take a while to finish. But thanks so much for all the support on my other fics, I really appreciate it 🤧💕
> 
> \- Lele


	3. Chapter 3

He's watching Eiji practice. Watching as he runs up and jumps, as he flies and the sun shifts with him. It seems as if the world is watching, observing the one who hung the stars in the sky and gave the moon its light.

"You got it bad for him huh,"

He glances to the side of him. Eiji lands and rejoins the rest of the team. Ash doesn't see it.

"What do you mean?" he asks, "what would you know?"

"Okumura," Cain grins next to him, "and nothing really, just knew he dragged you out of that bar after you spent a weird long time in the bathroom," Cain's tone is suggestive. Teasing.

"You don't know shit," he says, gritting his teeth, "I'm not like that,"

"Like that?"

"Queer," he says and the word tastes like poison on his tongue. 

"You look at him like you are," Cain muses, nodding his head towards Eiji who begins running up to the bar again.

"You're wrong," Ash stands up, "we aren't like that,"

Eiji wouldn't accept him like that.

Cain pauses, "he wants you to be,"

"What the fuck do you know," he spits out. Cain doesn't get it, he doesn't understand-

"Easy tiger," Cain chuckles, "Okumura has other friends besides from you,"

That shouldn't be a surprise. After all, he's seen Eiji with the track team and the people in his media class. He knows how Eiji charms everyone he meets without knowing, how he even managed to befriend the fucking snake of all people without batting an eye. Yet the outright suggestion is surprises him, and it shows across his face for a second as Cain's words sink into his skull.

_He doesn't need you_

And maybe that's right.

_He's not thinking about you_

Shorter's told him that Eiji's been looking for him.

_He doesn't care about you_

Good. He shouldn't.

Ash breathes. Slowly. Down on the track the pole vaulting team cheers: someone's cleared their personal best.

"I know that," he says as his hands take refuge inside his pocket.

He knows Cain doesn't believe him, but he doesn't press the issue - no one does anymore.

"Meet me after school today," Cain says instead. 

It's a statement, not a question, leaving him with no room for negotiation. He's used to abrupt subject changes at this point but he's off his game today so it takes a second before he can answer with a shaky "what?"

"Meet me after your last class today. Earliest at three or latest at four," Cain says.

"It's a Friday. I have study group," he says. "From three to five,"

"You're good at excuses," Cain says. It's less of an accusation and more of a subtle side comment. It's acknowledgement and faith. It puts importance in this meeting. Expectation almost.

He pauses.

"I'll think about it."

Apparently that's good enough because Cain leaves a few moments later. He watches the track for a few more minutes, the coach ordering Eiji to go for one last jump.

This one, he watches in full: from the run up to the vault to the landing. He locks eyes with Eiji by accident, and tears himself away before he's gone too deep (he knows he's already there, but denial is sweet and addicting).

He texts Alex about hitting up the arcade after lunch but the text gets sent to Shorter instead. He apologises and resends it to Alex, but Shorter's latest message rings an alarm in his head.

_you coming tonight?_

It had been sent yesterday and he hadn't even seen it. He shuts his phone off after that.

"With great power comes great responsibility," Alex laments. They're in that park near campus, lounging on the empty swings. No children to bother them this time.

"Didn't know you got bitten by a spider," Ash mutters.

"I didn't, but think of reality like the spider and you're Spider-Man," Alex says, "a metaphor. Or simile? I can't remember which,"

"You're not smart enough for either," he grins, kicking at Alex's swing.

"Hey! I'm trying," Alex retaliates and soon the pair are swinging back and forth, kicking and shouting and smiling. "I'm not the English Lit Major here,"

He rolls his eyes before sighing. "I didn't sign up for this little heart to heart. We went to a fucking cat café Alex. Not the arcade,"

"You were being weird," Alex says, "and don't think of lying and saying you didn't like those cats,"

He rolls his eyes. Alex is being a pretentious fuck again and he's certain it's because of the unholy amount of sugar he consumes each day.

"Did Cain say something?" he raises an eyebrow, a specific but unique talent.

"Maybe,"

"He wants to meet me later,"

"You should go," 

"Why?"

"Maybe it'll be good for you," Alex grins, lollipop stick looking like a cigarette. "Want one?"

"Did you put him up to this?" he takes the lollipop and unwraps it, bright red candy on a stick. It's cherry.

"No, no idea what he's talking about," Alex says, standing up from the swing, "c'mon, we gotta go if we wanna make it in time for Physics,"

"Still not convinced,"

"Well, I tried my best," Alex laughs.

He leaves study group early, much to the disdain of some of his classmates, but Alex shoots him a knowing look and a sneaky thumbs up that has Ash almost regretting his decisions. Cain texts him to meet up outside the English Office and the path up there is familiar. It's right next to the library.

"I'm surprised you came," Cain says when he comes prowling around the corner.

"What's this about? Alex says he has no idea," he says. 

Before Cain can reply the door swings open and the head of English, Professor Sanchez, welcomes them into the office. It's dusty inside, littered with Shakespeare quotes on the walls and sticky notes plastered across desks. The blinds are pulled back to showcase the full glare of the sun.

They sit down and talk about Debate, which is what this mystery meeting is about and at the end of the meeting Ash has somehow weaselled his way into Tuesday Debate Nights. There's minor protests in the form of how they have Finals in a few weeks but Professor Sanchez is a force to be reckoned with, a new teacher who hasn't dealt with the abrasion of college yet, so Ash ends up with another item on his after school itinerary.

It's a lot, now, as he thinks about it.

Cain is grinning like a Cheshire Cat as they walk out and Ash jabs him in the side with his bony elbows. He doesn't ask the real reason Cain asked him here and they walk back to the dorms just talking and laughing like normal college students. The company is nice for once.

Maybe Alex is right. Maybe this will be good for him.

Finals hit Ash like a truck. Somehow he's underprepared yet over prepared and for once in his life he's worried about his grades. Debate still meets every Tuesday despite the clusterfuck that is Finals, but instead of arguing over disjointed politics they study instead. The company of other English Lit Majors is nice, and having other people to share his pain over how shit some of their poetry is helps him destress a little. 

Right now he's tired. Tired of studying and crying and thinking of Eiji, so other people seeing him laugh is the least of his worries. It's a weight off his shoulders, and before he realises it he's floating.

Autopilot lingers in the back of his mind, ready to tug him down into a hazy, mind-numbing worth as he stumbles through each day not entirely there. It creeps back in and he refuses to acknowledge it until Finals are over. It's like an itch just begging to be scratched, a switch that's not quite fully turned on but almost there.

He decides to make it through the week first and then use the break to deal with his 'new' revelation and the unfamiliar feeling of actual feelings he's slowly getting used to. Laughter is a new one, Thursday's previous Boy's Night's were fun but not in the way Debate was now. There was the bonus of not having Yut-Lung to deal with, and the laughter came more easily with stupid Jane Eyre jokes than Mario Kart Wii. It's nice and Ash Lynx has never been allowed nice things before.

~~Eiji is the exception— even if he doesn't have him right now.~~

There is one thought in his mind that wonders if he'll attend Boy's Night once he's normal again. Maybe he'll be able to invite Alex.

He studies like he's handcuffed to his desk and he might as well be because he doesn't leave it until the morning sun crawls out of dawn. In his own words: "sleep is overrated" but he doesn't think he can handle any more cramming so he sets an alarm and rests his head on the desk. The wood is cold against his skin, paper tickling the strands of loose hair fallen from his low ponytail, and before he passes out he remembers to blame it on Shorter opening the window earlier. The cold is welcoming but it gives him something to complain about.

He sleeps past the alarm, officially starting the worst Final of the week in the worst way possible, meaning he only has ten minutes before his last Final begins. He rushes out of his room, turning back to grab a Scantron and his pencil case, before running towards his classroom. He feels like death, ready to roll over in his own grave after this is done.

The switch flicks onto the other side.

He's warm from the jacket draped around his shoulders, mind fuzzy as he wanders towards his classroom. He's distracted, he knows, and it's not helped by the look Alex is giving him when they meet outside the classroom.

"That's not your jacket," Alex says.

He looks down. It's not. It's navy blue and gold, not like his usual black leather jackets. He's sure if he takes it off the back will say OKUMURA in big white letters.

"It's Eiji's," he says. They haven't talked since the Bar incident so how he has the jacket confuses him. But it's big and it's warm and it's safe so he tugs it around him tighter.

"Does that mean-"

"Don't say anything," he says to Alex as they enter the classroom, his feeling is focussed on the fabric around him rather than the Final in front of him.

The final goes about as well as he hoped. It's a train wreck, with him stumbling over equations and mixing up measurements. The jacket smells like Eiji and the breeze from the open window is more than enough to justify pulling it closer. When he looks at the words in front of him they meld together into a blur before he blinks and they come back together again. 

He's very, very warm.

They walk for a while after finishing , joining the rest of the study group in the cafeteria, and he zones back into the conversation when he hears Alex's complaining fade out. The ground forms intricate patterns beneath his feet.

He gets a reality check when Alex nudges him with an elbow and shoots a pointed look at the people coming into the cafeteria. He looks up to see Eiji walk in with Shorter and Sing, and his mind suddenly snaps back into reality. He hasn't realised he'd flicked the switch, and it's now hidden itself somewhere he can't find it.

"You gonna do something about that?" Alex asks, prodding his side with his bony elbows once more.

"Fuck off," he says but gets up anyways. His body feels heavy but the weight of the jacket around his shoulders is light. 

"Hi," Eiji looks up at him with his voice sweet as honey. It's always 'hi' with him. Always reaching out yet never touching. He is shining.

"Come with me," Ash says. He walks out without checking to see if Eiji is following him, but he has certain faith that he is. He wonders if he looks behind him then Eiji will disappear and he'd be trapped in this purgatory for eternity.

"Ash," Eiji says once they've left the building and stopped around a corner. Out of the corner of his eye Ash can see the entrance to the park.

"Eiji," he says. He doesn't know what he wants to say. He should say something, give the jacket back, but he doesn't want to. Wants to cling onto this last piece of Eiji in case the real one slips out of his grasp.

"I'm not delicate, Ash," Eiji says, clasping their hands together, "will you tell me?"

Always gentle. Always giving and receiving. Like the moon and the tide he thinks, but the moon takes light from the sun and right now Eiji is _burning_.

"You shouldn't be with me," he says and the words have multiple meanings but they're all blurred together in his head. The heat from the jacket melting his meanings into one.

"I know," Eiji says but he knows that Eiji is just saying that to say something. He doesn't know and he won't know even if Ash has to spell it out for him. "But you know I'm never going to leave you Ash."

He nods, "so you've said so before,"

Eiji smiles (bright and brilliant and beautiful) and checks there time on his watch. His eyes widen and he looks back up at Ash with panic and regret.

"I've got to go, Final in fifteen minutes," Eiji says. "I'll see you later?"

"Yeah, later," Ash says, and Eiji twists their hands so that only the pinkies are wrapped around each other.

"Later then." Eiji says, bringing up their thumbs to press against each other. "It's a promise,"

He leaves after that with the wind following behind him. Ash keeps the jacket.

It's warm.

There's a lion sitting on top of his dresser.  
Shorter's made a few jabs at it a couple times but it mostly hides behind a picture frame of him and Griffin. The first one they took when he was allowed to speak. There's a lot of story behind that picture, a lot of healing and scarring that doesn't want to go away yet.

There are bandages around his neck and bruises on his wrists but Aslan is smiling, and Eiji is the one behind the camera. It's the first picture he's in, taken one year after rescue. They never called it 'rescue' but that's exactly what it is to him. He doesn't like how the word makes him feel weak, like a damsel in distress aching to be saved but at the same time the word makes him feel safe and needed— knowing Eiji is the one behind the meaning makes it easier to handle.

He is seven when it starts and he's scared of loud noises. Storms make him frightened but the boy next door calms him down. They grow close- closer than two boys should be and before long they are inseparable. Huddled together on stormy nights you could not tell where one ended and the other began.

He is eight when it happens for the first time. Baseball coach. Field. Bed. Hands. Gun. Bang. He can't stop shaking when the next storm comes and the boy next door doesn't understand. The hands burn his skin. 

He is fifteen and used to it. His brother is gone but he'll be back soon if the letters are anything to go by (and they're almost all he has to go by anymore). The boy next door has grown up, sporty and athletic and he loves the way they fit together. It's rare but peaceful. Puzzle pieces from different puzzles. He sees him less and less as he becomes more popular at the club, and he becomes immune to the loud thunder from each storm. The lightning lights up the god forsaken house he's trapped in, lighting up the silhouette of men sleeping in his bed and he tugs on remnants of clothing and limps away.

He is sixteen and rescued. The cops planned a sting and six other boys were taken into police custody including him. They're all younger than he is, shivering and scared but the treatment from the police is nicer than the treatment they're used to. He's unbothered by the next storm but the boy next door somehow finds his hand and takes it. They don't let go until morning comes and the sun rises again.

He is seventeen and smiling in a photo. Griffin is back and they are safe. Healing and scarred and bruised but healing. The boy next door is behind the camera, and he fears no storm when they stand side by side.

He is eighteen and struggling. Imagining situations that mimic the ones he was forced into, feeling attraction towards the boy next door, the boy who saved him during the storms. The feeling claws at his stomach and makes him sick. He feels wronged. He doesn't reach for that hand when the thunder comes.

He is nineteen and in love. It's difficult, and he runs away when he realises. Denial seems to run in his blood and his days get better and worse without the boy next door by his side. He wants to think that he's not needed, but he knows that's a lie. He has feelings that he doesn't know how to deal with. So he runs and runs and runs where the sun doesn't burn him again.

It doesn't work, of course, because the sun is always there looking back at him. He doesn't need to make wings out of wax and feathers to reach the sun. The sun finds him anyway.

"I love you," he says, heart on his sleeve. He doesn't look him in the eye but instead has his head against the boy next door's chest with his eyes staring at the floor. "And I don't know how to feel about it that,"

There are tears in his eyes as he speaks, "I love you so fucking much,"

There's a kiss placed on his forehead and his sun lifts up his chin.

"It's okay," Eiji breathes and Ash breathes with him, "we're okay. You're okay,"

"We're okay," he repeats.

"I love you," Eiji whispers against his skin. "God I love you,"

He hugs Eiji closer, as close as they could be. 

Three months later finds them both hanging out in Ash's apartment. He lies around on the couch, watching as Eiji messes around in the kitchen. Griffin is gone somewhere with Max and Ibe so it's just the two of them hanging out with the air con on blast. There's no one here to tell them off and the summer sun is not forgiving in New York.

He listens quietly to Eiji cut things, zoning in and out as he relaxed. After a few minutes Eiji comes and sits next to him, letting Ash lean against him and hum in content. He can hear the bubbling of something simmering in the kitchen and the thrum of Eiji's heartbeat as they sit together. Most days are spent like this, sometimes they kiss and sometimes they don't, and he has long since decided that the days they do are the best days.

There's a lion sitting on top of Eiji's bed, for him to hold close when it's stormy outside and there's no hand to hold anymore. Right now, there is one, and their hands lay intertwined with Eiji absently running his thumb over Ash's fingers.

There is an unspoken promise in the air. One witnessed solely by the two people making it and the spiders hidden in the room. He doesn't know what the promise is but he can feel it lingering in every crevice of the apartment.

Eiji shifts beside him. His muscles tense like he wants to say something.

"What is it?" he asks, tilting his head up to look at his sun.

"I was wondering," Eiji bites his lip, "of you wanted to try therapy? And before you say anything because I _know_ you think it's a waste of time but maybe you could try my therapist? A few of our sessions have involved mentioning you so you won't have to dive into the details straight away,"

"Eiji-"

"I know. I just want you to feel better,"

He thinks. Pauses. This is for Eiji, who's had his own share of suffering these past months. Maybe it's for him as well. He has let go enough to let Eiji kiss him and hold him close like this, and though the next step feels like taking three all at once then maybe he can make it if there's something there to help. Maybe this is the promise.

He doesn't realise that he's reaching up for his throat until Eiji brings his hand back down again. The skin there itches under the fabric of his turtle neck.

"Itches," he mutters against Eiji's skin. "Can you go get the cream?"

"Sure," Eiji pads away but his warmth still lingers and comes back in full force a minute or so later. "You're drifting," Eiji whispers.

The feeling of the cold cream against his neck is enough to ground him and he blinks a couple of times before he focuses on Eiji in front of him. Applying a thin layer of cream against his scars.

"You don't have to talk right away," Eiji says. "I know that it's a lot,"

Eiji pulls back and screws the lid back on the tube. They'd gotten the ointment a few weeks ago when Ash had been close to relapsing and an itch made its way dangerously close to the broken tissue.

"I'll try," he says, moving his hand to his throat and just feeling the cold seep into his skin.

Eiji kisses his nose. He decides that today is a good day.

"Thank you. I'll be with you for the first few sessions if you want," Eiji says. They hold hands again.

"Yes please,"

Sunlight creeps in through a gap in the curtains and lights up the whole room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and this marks the end of Wings of Wax and Feathers which is kinda wild ngl. I’ve had all three chapters pre written and ready to go just a little bit of editing so I thought I’d have this ready sooner but writers block said no to my creativity :’) but here are a few notes:
> 
> \- Let’s just pretend that Ash lived in New York since he was 6, since Eiji’s family literally has no reason to move to Cape Cod and the whole baseball coach thing happened in the city
> 
> \- In this timeline Ash is 19 and Eiji is 21, I’m not entirely familiar with US college (being from the UK) so if any of their ages are inaccurate please let me know so I can keep it in mind for future fics
> 
> \- I do have a couple of interesting one shots planned out for the future so let’s see if writers block decides to strike again sksk
> 
> \- Possible Eiji companion fic + aftermath coming soon? 🤔
> 
> \- Lele ٩( ᐛ )و

**Author's Note:**

> So a few little things:  
> \- I wanted to try something new with writing in present tense and doing a multi chapter fic
> 
> \- Ash’s inner conflict is explained more in the next chapter as well as why he’s avoiding Eiji
> 
> \- I made up Alex’s last name because I don’t think he has one? If he does then oops but it’s not that relevant lmao
> 
> \- Also going to try talking more in my notes from now on
> 
> \- Lele


End file.
